That hard to hear. Let me think about it. That’s it. Seven words.
And those seven words do something remarkable. They signal that you’re taking them seriously. They buy you time to process. And they prevent you from saying something that will be much harder to walk back.
One of my clients, a grandmother of five, a woman who had given decades of her life to her family, told me that those seven words were the hardest she ever said. But she also told me they were the words that saved her relationship with her daughter. Pause before you defend. It’s not weakness.
It’s wisdom. Once you’ve had time to breathe, once the initial sting has faded a little, it’s time to get curious. Now, most people in your position do the opposite. They get competitive.
They start building a mental case. They replay the history. They count the sacrifices. They think about everything they’ve given and everything those other parents haven’t.
I’ve done it in my personal life. I’ve seen thousands of clients do it. And I can tell you with complete confidence, competing in a comparison game is a race with no finish line. Instead, try this.
Ask a question. Not, “Why are you comparing me to them? ” That question sounds accusatory, and it puts your child on the defensive. Ask instead, “What do you wish was different between us?
” Or try, “Help me understand what you’re feeling. ” “What would feel better to you? ” These questions do something powerful. They shift the conversation from blame to understanding, and they signal something to your child that they desperately need to hear, that you’re not just defending yourself, you’re actually trying to know them.
I had a client, a father in his late 60s, who hadn’t had a real conversation with his son in almost 3 years. The comparisons had built a wall between them, but one evening, instead of defending himself, he looked at his son and said, “I want to understand. What do you need from me that you feel you’re not getting? ” His son cried.
He hadn’t expected that. And the wall started to come down. Curiosity is not surrender. Curiosity is courage.
Here’s where a lot of parents get stuck. They think that acknowledging what their child said means admitting they were wrong, or worse, that they’re a bad parent. It doesn’t. Validation is not the same as surrender.
You can acknowledge your child’s feelings without accepting every word of the comparison is true. And in fact, when you validate first, your child is far more likely to actually hear what you have to say next. Let me give you a script. Again, feel free to write this down.
You might say, “I hear that you feel I’m harder to be around than her parents. That must create some real conflict for you, being caught in the middle. ” Notice what that sentence does. It reflects the emotion back.
It names the difficulty your child is experiencing, the tension of being between two families, and it does all of that without once saying, “You’re right. I’m a terrible parent. ” From a neuroscience perspective, this matters enormously. When a person feels genuinely heard, when someone reflects their experience back without judgment, the threat response in the brain actually quiets down.
The conversation can move forward instead of spiraling. Acknowledge the feeling. You don’t have to agree with the verdict. Now, I’ve been talking a lot about listening and empathy and curiosity, and all of that is essential.
But, I also need to say this clearly. Not every complaint is valid, and you do not have to change everything about yourself to keep the peace. One of the most painful things I see in my practice is parents who, after being compared and criticized, start to hollow themselves out. They abandon their values.
They abandon their boundaries. They try to become someone they’re not in the desperate hope that their child will love them the way those other parents are apparently loved. It doesn’t work. And more than that, it’s not healthy.
Here’s an exercise I give my clients. Take a piece of paper and write down three things you fundamentally believe about what it means to be a good parent, your non-negotiables, the values you’ve built your relationship on. Maybe it’s honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable. Maybe it’s showing up in person for the big moments.
Maybe it’s always speaking the truth, even when your child doesn’t want to hear it. Those things are not flaws. They are who you are. Now, and this is the important distinction, there’s a difference between a non-negotiable and a rigid habit.
There may be ways that you communicate those values that could be softer, more flexible, more attuned to where your child is in life right now. But, the core of who you are, protect it. Being a good parent at 65 does not mean becoming someone you’re not. It means bringing the best of who you already are into the relationship your child actually needs.
Here’s a trap I see so many parents fall into after one of these comparisons. They start keeping score. Silently, almost unconsciously, they begin tracking. I called.
They didn’t call back. I came to the birthday. They didn’t come to mine. I offered to help.
They went to her parents instead. And underneath all of that tracking is a question they’re too afraid to ask out loud. Am I losing? I want to tell you something.
The parents I’ve watched hold their children and grandchildren closest over the years, across decades of changing family dynamics, marriages, disagreements, and distance, were not the ones who never faced comparison. They were the ones who stopped competing and started connecting. Here’s what that looks like in practice. Instead of trying to match or outdo your in-laws, ask yourself a different question.
What does this specific child of mine, not your idea of them, but who they actually are right now, what does this person actually need from me? Maybe your daughter needs someone to call her without an agenda, just to say, “I was thinking about you. ” Maybe your son-in-law needs to feel welcome in your home rather than judged. Maybe your grandchildren need a grandmother who shows up to things even when it’s inconvenient, not because she has to, but because she wants to.
Find your lane. The in-laws have their lane. Your lane is yours alone. The goal isn’t to be the best in-laws.
The goal is to be irreplaceable. At some point, not in the heat of the moment, not when either of you is exhausted or defensive, but at the right moment, there is a conversation that needs to happen. A real one. Not an accusation.
Not a list of grievances. Not a competition about who has done more. But an honest, loving conversation about what this comparison did to you and what you need going forward. Here is the structure I teach my clients.
Three steps. Step one, name your feeling without blaming. Instead of you made me feel worthless, try when I heard that comparison, I felt really hurt and I’ve been carrying that hurt for a few days. Step two, share your observation.
I noticed that this has been coming up more often between us and I don’t want to keep pretending it isn’t. Step three, express what you want, not a demand, a desire. What I want most is for us to be able to talk to each other directly about what we need without bringing other families into it. That’s the whole script.
Feel free to adapt it in your own words. In fact, you should. But the structure, feeling, observation, desire, that structure keeps the conversation from turning into a courtroom. I’ve watched parents and children who hadn’t spoken honestly in years have this conversation and on the other side of it, there was almost always relief, not perfection, not resolution of everything, but relief.
Because what your child needs, more than a perfect parent, more than a parent who compares favorably to anyone, is a parent who is known, fully, honestly known. And what you need is the same thing. This isn’t about winning. It’s about being known and still loved.
Before I close, I need to spend just a few minutes on what not to do because in my experience, the wrong response can undo weeks of careful, patient work. Trap number one, running to your child’s spouse first. When you’ve been hurt by what your son said, it is deeply tempting to reach out to his wife. Maybe she’ll understand.
Maybe she’ll intervene. Maybe she’ll tell him he was wrong. Don’t do it. Going to a spouse before going to your child almost always backfires.
It looks like you’re going around them and it puts your child’s partner in an impossible position caught between loyalty to their spouse and wanting to maintain peace with you. The result is almost always more distance, not less. Trap number two. Comparing back.
Well, their parents never even came to your wedding rehearsal, so let’s talk about that. I understand the impulse, but matching on a fire. It turns a difficult conversation into a competition and competitions in families never have a clean winner. Trap number three.
Withdrawing to teach a lesson. This is the most painful trap and the most common one I see in my practice. The parent who, after being compared, quietly pulls back. Stops calling.
Stops showing up. Tells themselves, “If that’s how they feel, then fine. ” The intention is to show the child what life looks like without you in it. The actual result, more often than not, is that the distance becomes permanent or the relationship never quite heals to what it was.
Your child may not even realize how far you’ve pulled back until the damage is already done. Don’t withdraw. Stay present. Stay engaged, even when it hurts.
I want to close with something I’ve never forgotten. Early in my career, I was maybe 32 years old, I had a client I’ll call Margaret. She was a mother in her early 60s and her daughter had said something to her so hurtful, so cutting, so deeply unfair that Margaret had spent three months barely able to function. The comparison she had made wasn’t just about in-laws, it was about Margaret as a person, as a mother, as a woman.
And over months of work together, Margaret did something remarkable. She didn’t fight. She didn’t withdraw. She sat with the pain.
She did the work and she found a way to have the conversation her daughter needed to hear and the conversation she herself needed to say. I got a letter from Margaret 4 years later. Her daughter had just had a baby. Margaret was there in the delivery room.
She wrote, “I almost gave up on us. I’m so glad I didn’t. ” The parents who hold their children closest are not the ones who were never compared to anyone. They’re not the ones who were always right or always flexible or always convenient.
They are the ones who responded to the hardest moments with grace. You can be that parent. You already have everything it takes. Now, I want to hear from you.
Of the six things we talked about today, pause before you defend, get curious, acknowledge without agreeing, know your non-negotiables, invest in the relationship, and have the honest conversation. Which one is the hardest for you right now? Leave it in the comments below. I read every single one of them.
And if this video spoke to something you’ve been carrying, please share it with a friend who might need it, too. You never know whose day you might change. If you’re new here, welcome to Strong Elderly Life. We publish new videos every week about living powerfully, maintaining strong relationships, and thriving after 60.
Hit subscribe so you don’t miss what’s coming next. And next week, we’re going to talk about something equally important. When your grandchildren start pulling away from you, what it really means and what you can do about it. You won’t want to miss that one.
Until then, take care of yourself. You matter more than you know.